my pitas page

 
well, its the day after prom. it was alot of fun, im glad i went. but it just wasnt what i thought it would be. at least it isnt looking back. i mean ive had better times just chillen with friends watchin movies. really, i guess prom is what you make it, well as is anything you do. my junior prom i dont think will be a memory i'll cherish and look back on. at least not in the conventional sense. it wont be that perfect night with that perfect girl. instead it'll be the night i chose to be just like every other dance, and every other girl. i keep hearing in my head ,"just wait, that perfect girl is out there." i wonder if something so perfect is meant to be waited for. if soemthing so perfect is out there, why isnt it here? wouldnt it have arrived by now? and the worst part is i dont know what to do. i get advice from both perspectives: dont wait go find it; let it come to you. neither seem to be working. or maybe they're working all to well, and i've missed my big chance. and maybe i wont get my big chance. i think i've built everything up to be more than it really is. but by that thinking life and all its expereinces are ultimately just one huge let down. and i think that would be a horrible life to live. for some strange reason i feel completely awkward. this feeling cna be closely compared to that feeling when youre faking sick and then you feel all guilty. well at least for me.i cant explain it. is this what life feels like when you get older? will i be in a perpetual state of awkwardness for the rest of my life?when will it go away? is this normal? what is normal? i often think about what "normal" means. and if everybody experiences this state of "normalcy". or if its different for some.i think during this time in the average 17 year olds life most everything has a distinct asnwer. i believe this because the center, most likely, of a teenagers life is school. any given teenager might not exactly say this but if you think about it, its true. i mean they are at school 5 days out of the week, they're there for about 8 hours each day, and they spend a good portion of their life there. so getting back on track, when a teenager is faced with a difficult question they might consult a teacher or a textbook, some place where the answer can be found. however, an answer might not always be found or was never searched for in the first place. in cases like this the teenager will more liley than not skip the question and lose no sleep over it. but what if the quesion is a deeply personal one. a question only you could ask yourself. and what if you dont know the answer? who do you ask or how do you find the asnwer? i can honestly say i dont know either of those. and its hard to anticipate what its like to not have a definate answer that you can find in the back of some book. its frightening. especailly when youre questioning yourself. specificaly where you should be mentaly, physicaly, socaily, spiritualy. and all of those variables play a part in how you feel. and when you dont feel good, for some reason its the hardest thing in the world to decide which of those four variables isnt pulling its weight.where am i going? wheres the next stop? what am i doing next? how am i going to do it? whos gonna help me? will i get help? what should i do?what will i do? why?
Sunday, May 4, 2003

well today is my birthday. seventeen years ago today i was born. and it seems like only yesterday.yesterday i was learning how to ride my bike, i was playin across the street with my sister and the neighbor kids, and i was in my craddle, crying, watching my mother coming to comfort me.today i struggle with school and growing into a man, i learn responsibility without my parents help, and i decide where i plan to take myself tomorrow. when tomorrow comes, will i be ready? will i have been taught all i need to know?only tomorrow will tell. so i think it best to live in today. not tomorrow and certainly not yesterday. for we shall be judged for our actions now. and we shall have to bear the censequences of those actions, both the good and the bad, not tomorrow and certainly not yesterday, but today. well i spent the day at home. later today i will enjoy a dinner at red robin. my family and some relatives will be there as usual and also maybe a couple friends. for the first time sean probly wont be there. i relized something today, after watching a nice movie called a river runs through it and after tyler called to wish me a happy birthday, that on the one day in the entire year that i should be the happiest i chose to stay home. that on the one day i should be the most proud of all ive done i chose to stay home all by myself. and i realized, as im sure the entire world already has, that all my problems all my doubts arent out of inexperience but rather that i need to come to terms with myself. im carrying a bag of rocks around, and i dont know for whom or for what reason im carrying them. ive been unhappy for a while, as has everyone else so i know my grief is nothing specail, but i need to find my space in the world. i feel like im a key searching for the matching lock. im searching in the wong place, i know this because everywhere else just wont fit. i think that as soon as i find my lock i will be at ease. for now im not worried, because i have a feeling i'll have a long time to look.
Wednesday, April 16, 2003

well it has been a while. alot has happened.of course nothing of real consequence or importance.uhh briefly: spring break was fun. went to the beach hung out and saw movies. had a pretty righteoud time. started track season. got a new coach who is really cool. hes an ex olympic decathlete, so hes way buff and knows what hes doin. so im excited. really lookin forward to gettin ripped by the end of the season.im really bummed because i turns out the swim coach did not letter me. even though i met the requirements. pisses me off. im gonna have to have a talk with him.man it looks really ugly outside.yea and i my german exchange student comes tomorrow. im gonna miss about half of school which is nice. startin to think more seriously about doin fotball next year. i havent thought at all about doin soccer.startin to drive more. im finally gettin sick of not bein able to drive. gettin more prepared for next year and college. seems really weird that im goin to college. i feel like im still in grade school. i mean nothing about being in high school has changed. still feel just as goofy and everything else that oes along with bein a fifth grader. you know, whatever all that is.ummm what else is new. i thought there was more. oh yea, my birthday. well my birthday is coming up pretty soon. im thinkin about having a party thing, but i dont know. who would show up? well i know my german dude would because where else would he go? actualy i think the germans are goin up to seattle during that time. not quite sure what i want. ill think of something.well i hope that your satisfied that i wrote something because you were the only one who expressed any kind of interest in this...even more than me. well until i have anything else to say..
Wednesday, April 2, 2003

well now ive a mohawk. its pretty sweet. i got alot of interesting looks. a few lady folk siad it was hot. so thats kinda cool. i think i'll keep it for a while. matt wilsom approached me today sayin that if i wasnt gonna cut my hair hed have to o something. i think. he didnt actually finish his sentence. i looked at him and he turned and walked away while still almost talking. i dunno. anywho, im thinkin about goin to king of hearts. but i dunno. i also signed up to be in The Front. which is a movie a bunch of students are making. its sorta like braveheart. i actually dont know the plot but thats not real relvant as far as im concerned. i dunno it should be rad. well thats all for now. till later.
Thursday, February 13, 2003

man i am so sick.i feel like shit. i havent been sick for like over a year.man this sucks.
Sunday, February 2, 2003

went to my first high school basketball game. it had a pleasant vibe. those sprague folk are sore losers. very insecure. poor bastards.
Tuesday, January 28, 2003

SmokedSpam14: WHAASUUUPP:-P casualychaotic: WHHAAASUUUUPPP! SmokedSpam14: BLLAAAAAHHHHH!!!! casualychaotic: BWWLAAAAAAHAAHAA!!! casualychaotic: man are we losers SmokedSpam14: please.. SmokedSpam14: we rock the house of sweetness casualychaotic: oh yea, i forgot
Monday, January 27, 2003

yea its gettin kinda tough to keep up with this thing. finals is over. thank god. i did alright on most of them. i think. one i know for certain i did terrible on. but oh well. well swim season is almost over. a few weeks ago i met the requirements for lettering. which is sweet. lettering is one of those things that i really wanted to acheive in high school. another big personal goal of mine was in weight training. it wasnt really a set goal, it was more like an undefined gaol. ever since i started weight training sophomore year ive wante to be one of the bigger lifters.and now it being my second year i didnt really consider myself one. but for my final when isquated 225lbs 9 times i realized i was one. but im bummed because i wont be able to take t next semester. and im gonna turn into fat blimp. so now im gonna have to start workin extra hard.i wonder when all my hard work will pay off.
Thursday, January 23, 2003

well its the new year. my new years was awesome. i finally wasnt cooped up with my folks at home. i was at a party and it was most righteous. a few ppl were wasted and afew were not. alot of good experiences. i really had a time. on another good note. warren isback. i thought he was sod to a mongolian circus then escaped to be a slave laborer in the east indies. well it turns out he was on vacation. who'd a thunk it.well i oughta go to bed. im sorta sleepy and sorta not. you know that feeling.
Thursday, January 2, 2003

well well. its the day before christmas. im excited about all the gifts im gonna get. im actually double excited because im gong to have 2 christmases since my parents are divorced i get like double the gifts and stuff. im also excited because it seems i have a secret admirer. if you happen to look at my guest book youll see 2 entries from an anonymous indivdual. you will also see this anonymous individual proclaiming their infatuation for me. this is especailly interssting because i dont have a clue who it might be. however, it does sounds like something A.J. Buchele might say. but i am not sure he know about this journal deal. soo that makes me even more intrigued. perhaps my long lost love is out there. or perhaps some sick and twisted indvidual is playing a cruel joke. if that is the case i will find you mister(or mrs.) and i will rip your still beating heart from your chest, eat it, spit it out, the DANCE ON IT!!!!! on a final note i wish each and everyone a very happy joyus and merry christmas.
Tuesday, December 24, 2002

well its thanksgiving. new things to report: well im on the swim team. im doin alright with that. im in the slow lane, but i dont really care. andrews in there with me and we're having a blast together. we really should be moved up to thee next lane cuz we are good enough for it. theres abunch of girls in our lane that dont even know how to swim. andrew has devoted all his energies to create nick names for them all. he has come up with the following: speedbumb,finnigan,spiral girl, and i cant remember the rest. if you are interested in how he came up with those youll have to ask him yourself. yea umm im goin to snoball again. and im bein set up again. after three years youd think that soem girl out there would want to ask me. maybe my handsome to die for good lucks just frighten them away? HAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHA!!! yea right! i dunno. at lest im goin. and at least i get to see a good friend of mine that i dont get to see very often. sean, because of him im goin. so it should be fun.
Thursday, November 28, 2002

it has been a while. nothing new to report. im a little worried about keeping my grades up. ima little worried about being socail. like friend stuff. and of course girls. seems like things are getting more and more difficult. i want to be challenged but at the same time i dont. which i dont want. ive decided to devote the wonter to getting my eagle scout rank. all i need is one requirement and my eagle project done. for my project i plan to just call the department of park and rec and ask them what projects they need done that i could do. its great. they wil provide everything excpet for people and the food fo the people. i think its the best and easiest thing i could do. so thats what im gonna do. thats all for now. im gonna try and keep up with this regularly.
Monday, November 11, 2002

i hate bein alone. its like when youve got the hots for soembody youre feelin happy. youre excited. but when that doesnt pan out and everybody else is doin so prosperous in the love department, life can really stink.its like guys arent tryin to get girls they arent lookin for girls they arent even thinkin about girls and what just fall so simply and delicately in thier lap? GIRLS. all except for my lap. of course. and what kills me is how easy it is for some guys to get girls. the girls they want i mean. i have been offered dates before but it was by girls i was not. attracted to nor wanted to be attracted to. high school is a terrible environment to have to grow up in. im serious.like i can see how one might be compelled to try and take over a school like columbine and what not. now im not sayin thats an ok thing to do or that i am in any way inclined to do so. but the chances of that happening, seem to me, very likely. again this does not apply to me. youd think that in a community with a population of roughly 1700 adolescents all wanting to be a part of somethin specail, something meaningful, something a lil bit more grown up, that i could find just one that is looking for someone just like me. one would think so. one would think that a guy with plenty to offer could find what he was looking for. or for what he was looking for to be possibly made available to him. instead i get empty smiles, half glances in the hallway, hidden whispers, and no results. i said it before i'll say it again: to get anywhere in the dating world you have got to be a member in some kind of club i swear to god. otherwise its all for shit. life is a poker game man. youre waiting for that flush to come suddenly but all you keep gettin is a lousy pair deuces. and the only thing keepin you from foldin is your pile of hope in red white and blue chip form. and all thats doin is wastin away till you get your 3 of a kind and you get some back. but what else is gambling then. poker and life is just one endless chance. and youre running from one chance to the next so fast you can even think. if you could ,why then, are you taking chances? but you know chnces are good for us. they keep us rollin from one thing to the next. we need some excitement in our lives. i dunno about you but making routinly trips down the bingo hall sacrificing the few good years of my life that are left doesnt sound very appealing to me. i want to make my mark. i wanna make a statement. im want to be known. and i intend on doin exactly that. do you know why? chances. im gonna take a chance on me. im gonna take chance on you. and i hope theyll take a chance on us.
Saturday, October 19, 2002

its so weird. i just want the best. i cant explain these thoughts. why? wheres the answer?
Wednesday, October 16, 2002

well nothing new has happened. gettin more involved with friends and im start to sorta drive which is fun. homecoming is just around the corner. im thinkin i wanna go. im also thinkin i wanna go with a date. im also thinkin i dont know who to ask. all the good ones are taken.oh well. ive got some time before the dance so im not too worried right now.thats about all.
Sunday, October 13, 2002

well...im way tired. impact 1 was last night. i got about half an hour of sleep. and man im payin for it now. one thing, i hate when like i dont really know soembody but from what i can tell i dont like them. but my friends do. and like the person is just doin stuff to get attention. well if bosters readin this im talkin about Sophomore Ego Trip. thats just like the perfect name.S.E.T. isnt even that interesting or cool. now it oculd be the lack of sleep affecting me cause i havent been very pleasent at all for about 15 hours now and like im starting to be an ass like boster who was like the one person iw as aournd the most so its like rubbin off on me now and like from this perspective it isnt lookin too bad. i just want to sleep. like i can imagine bein right in front of my bed and seein it all comfy and a lil messy but just enough so that its still comfy. and the blankeys are all warm and the pillows are soft and fluffy.theres a sinlge beam of light shining between the closed shades that goes right past my bed.ooooooooohhh sooo nice. dude it seems like sunday today. but its only saturday. and theres a 3 day week. itll probly be soooo long and tll stink cuz its only 3 days. but then a 4 day weekend. thatll be niiiiice. you know what i found out this weekend. that some people actually read this. like almost all of it. i know i write alot but thats cuz i got a lot to say. but i thought that was really neat.man im still tired. im listenin to bob right which isnt helpin my sleepyness.you kno wi wanna start a one man band. like i'll play every instrument. and im gonna be an awesome singer. and liek ill be huge superstar. and like its gonna rock. and all these people who think they better than me are gonna be like whoa tellin there kids how they used to go to school with me and liek theyre gonna make up stories how they were friedns with me to to make themselves look better to there kids and like im gonna go on tv and tell them that that never happened and we werent friends and then in gonna sue ''em for everything the got cuz im a rockstar and rockstars can do that.man rockstar life is awesome.
Saturday, October 5, 2002

it seems that you know what youre lookin for, but it can change. i used to know. i could tell you exactly what it was and who portrayed those qualities. i realized earlier today that i cant now. i told myself the hardest thing for me is finding what i was looking for, when really the hardest thing is knowing what i am looking for. i thought it was simple.that there would always be someone who had what i wanted. maybe not entirely but in part.and if that didnt work there was always another. either im losing faith in myself or im getting picky. i never had much confidence in myself. especailly when it came to girls. i dont even think one would be interested in hanging out with me one on one. my firend told me different. he said if i chose a more outgoing attitude that i would definately attract a girls attention.one would think if a girl was intersted in you she would show some interest. when i say this to ppl their response is simply,"theyre high school girls."man...and my lack of confidence with girls is not helping my adolescent erge to want to get some either. high school is a tuff environment to have to live in.
Sunday, September 29, 2002

well things have been goin good. school alright not too much happenin. went to the game last night. it was a blast. we lost tho. but i got my chest painted or more accurately it was markered. we had GO SAXONS! goin on. yes even the exclamation mark. it was that good. later that night i heard from a friend that about 5 or 6 people said to her,"wow i knew trevor was hot but i didnt know his body rocks too." that was really nice to hear. i dont usualy get compliments of that nature so it felt good.they guys are gonna try and find me a girl. all of them seem to have asignificant other so now its my turn. theyre positiveness is encouraging. still i dunno if itll be any help. i dunno, overall, right now, im feelin pretty darn good. i just hope it lasts for a while.
Friday, September 27, 2002

my parents fuckin annoy me. they act like they want to help me with my homework which i sno problem because i never have any thats really difficult. then they hound me about how i have to have the best grades in the history of the workd so i can be a lawyer or a writer or a hosorian or whatever my mom wants me to be that week. its bullshit. and they wonder why i have an attitude with them. its like my dad who never talks to me really just from out of nowhere rambles on and on and doesnt allow me to talk at all about how i have to complete all assignments not get backed up because i have to have good grades. and he just repeats the same shit ive heard a million times before. then he'll end his speech without allowing me to talk and share my oppinions. as much as i love my folks they fuckin piss the shit out of me.then my mom thinks that whenever i talk to her prior to her bugging me i had an attitiude. like she could be talkin to me like i couldnt ever do anything wrong then she give me crap about homework and give me the speech again and i'll naturaly get annoyed agian and shell be like why have you had this attitude all day. thats disrespectful. fuck you!just let me worry about it. i know youre concerned, but let me handle it. i think im mature enough to wear the big boy pants. if i get into trouble i'll let you know. i want them to knwo i can do this shit on my own without them having to create all this anger and tension and pressure on me.god and i hate hearing her fuckin voicea nd all the crap she spouts.she just came in here sayin that she wants to ackknowledge me and all this crap. its like she doesnt trust that im actualy trying to do good.like i want to do good this year but man she migt compell me to do worse cuz there willl be no fun in it. i'll fuckin fight her to the end. thatll be my new challenge. screw all my other hopes and dreams and aspirations. i'll just fuck everything up to see how shell react.since im venting about my hwo i hate the things my parents do. i think i'll keep goin, being in that frame of mind and all.my dads headed toward screwin all kinds of things up with me and him. all because of hisfuckin dumbass girlfriend. she ruined our relationship with him since day one theyve been dating. that was abutwhat im 16 so for about 13 years now. her trying to play mom and fuckin comtroll my dad. it bullshit. half the time they arent in the same room. and yet he buys all this expensive stuff for her birthday and christmass and all the gift holidays.while she tells me and my dad whats best for me and my sister. her having all this parental knowledge from never raising a child before, never parenting a child before and nver understanding the kind of life a child will lead with divirced parents. and she does the same thing to all her neices and nephews. ive heard talka million times about how she knows whats best for them. shes seperating my dad and i.and the worst thing, either my dad doesnt see it or he chooses to do nothing. and that rips my heart in two. that he would allow this bitch to ruin the bond between a father and his children. that he would let a woman who has hurt repeatedly both children, who has made flase claim about his daughter(he even caught her trying to say my sis was constantly liying when it was actually her lying, and he still stayed with her), after even admitting to himself and others that she is dumb, after trying to seperate his children from their mother. their mother. thank god my mom will never give us up. she will do whatever she has to to keep us and to protect us. and no person, no god, no law will keep her from us or keep us out of her life and vice versa.this woman has nothing but distroy all of the relationship i have tried to build with my father. and he lets it happen.i wish i had the courage to appraoch him and tell him this. to see if he realizes all hes done adn all hes doing. he went to a football game this weekend. i had no clue he was doin anything. he went with his girlfriend and almost all her family it seems. i had no clue about that either. it seems whenever he does anything he does it with her. he does not tell me hes goin to do stuff, he is getting better tho. he needs to see whats happening.if this continues im not gonna want to be around him. shes manipulating him. shes molding him into this thing that cares only for her. that will agree only with her. and the stragest thing of all when hes around her, he doesnt seem happy. he isnt glad to see her. i think he needs something to do. thats why he hangs around her. but i dont think he sees whats going on. he comes from a family that didnt talk about issues. so he thinks, im guessing, that everythings ok. and it isnt.he needs to see. he needs to dump her. let her go fuck up somebody elses life. ive had my share and im sick of it. if only my mom taught me to not be so respectful.i would tell her and my dad exactly how i feel. my dad will see and he will know.
Monday, September 23, 2002

today was alright. last night i told this girl that i like that ive got a crush on her. she told me that she wasnt lookin for a relationship. kinda a bummer. ive never had good luck in that department. no matter how many girls i meet or how much advice i get i can never find a girl intersted in me. people tell me that the perfect girl is out there or that theres a plan out there for me and that i'll get the perfect girl. man...she had better be worth it.kinda funny, it seems i always find the perfect girl and the perfect girl doesnt find me. intersting how that works out.like the advice i get is ridiculous.stuff like be yourself be charming have fun. and im like i thought i was all those things. ha! a huge joke dating is. i swear you have to be a member of some club or it just wont work for you.maybe it just isnt for everybody.its disapointing when you cant get the same oppurtunities as other people.and when youre the guy that everybody thanks there lucky stars at night for not being you. but i guess the good tastes just a lil bit better when youre at teh bottom of the barrel.oh well.
Sunday, September 15, 2002

so today went well.there wasnt as much 9/11 stuff goin on that i thought there would be. the whole thing just bugs me. it was a year ago and on the anniversary of big things happening is ok and well and good and all,but when its been happening every day since and nobody can just get over it and start fuck up bin laden. man that annoys me. like we just need to do something really bad to them. not that killin their buds and bombin the countryside isnt bad enough. but what have we done to make them all flustered for a year???what have we done to inspire specail anniversary shows on every channel. the funny thing i sim not exagerating. its on every channel. you what happend i wok eup this morning and urned on the tube. naturally they're filming this memorial ceremony. so i naturaly turn the channel. theyve got the same thing. this goes on for several channels. so i finally get sick of it and turn it to the weather channel cuz thats all they care about, the weather. but of course not today. what kind fo society do we live in when the weather channel is showing memorials???i mean im not sayin this is all stupid and without a point. im sure that if it was my daddy dyin over there in the towers id be in the front row of all those memorials. but id also be the guy buying an arsenal of weapons and buyin a first class ticket to the middle east to raise some patriotic hell!those bastards need to pay for what they did. nobody comes into our house and fucks up our way of living. we cannot stand iddly by and watch the destruction of our hope. we need to hurt them where it counts!we need to break their hope.cuz they fighin out of anger, and i doubt all the stuff on tv is makin them happy.ive got a feelin we're inchin our way into a dirty war. like alot of bad terrible thing will happen. and when i say terrible i mean in the sese that people dying everyday is nothin. ww2 all over agian with the crimes against war and crimes against humanity. although maybe more so on our part too. i mean theres gonna be some soldiers that are still pretty bitter about 9/11 stuff. and wont hesitate to be just a lil cruel.well i think thats enough about that. i should maybe say somethin else i dunno. i won my game. im kidna bummed cuz ive been put on the less then good team. i emailed eric and he said that half the players will play jv1 and the other half jv2. he didnt say if the teams will be the same tho. because clearly theres a good team and a bad team.i dunno. i think if i keep workin hard. get healthy fast.i can tell a difference in my playing. its remarkable. it could just be that ive been playin the not so good teams,but theres a change.anywho, ive probly written so much that nobodys gonan read this. i checked out ym guest book. its got 4 entries. 2 from warren and 2 from laura. so come on if you reading this you gots to sign my guestbook.ive also noticed that mine kinda sucks compared to other ppls. but oh well. im not that into it.
Wednesday, September 11, 2002

today i made my first goal ever! it was soo sweet. all these parent were cheering and what not. man it was great!!!!and it was such a hard shot too and with my left foot.!!!! man!!!!im pumped!my chances for getting bumbed up to varsity are increasing.it felt good to play. even better it felt good to play good. i can tell that im gettin better. i might be just what varsity needs..this year.well my day went well. gettin used to the homework thing and all the stuff thats happenin for me.i can tell already good things will happen.i guess if i stay positive the good will happen.man its good to feel good.
Monday, September 9, 2002

dating is a hopeless persuit. so are friends. except for some of them
Saturday, September 7, 2002

school is goin well. it doesnt really seem like school. mostly because im having fun in my classes. a couple i dont like so much only because i dont have any real good friends. but i think i'll survive.soccer is goin good except ive sprained my knee and i'll be out for a week hopefully less. im gettin anxious about getting my eagle rank because the little kids are pissin me off so way much.i also just want to have it and be done with it. and id like to just worry about merit badges that i dont really need.cuz then id have alot and that isnt too bad. my girl situation is sorta hurtin. the girl i liked that i thought liked me might not like me actualy. heres why i think so: well when you got the hots for somebody youre gonna want to see them. now i like this girl and i have made an effort to see her and be with her. she however has shown not even the slightest inclination to want to be around me. althought, she could just be playin some sorta girl hard to get mind trick you know.i think that may be possible. if so, man its drivin me crazy! although it could drive me to the point where i get discouraged and just say, fuck it.if it does get that far well then that really stinks.if youve seen my profile then youre probably familiar with ym poem "with you". well that was inspired by her. and the beginning is really the honest truth. you knwo if i knew how she felt then things would be..well things would be good.i a feeling that this might be my year of love. but now i think it was just a foreshadowing of things to come in the very distant future.i wish i knew what i was doing wrong.
Friday, September 6, 2002

its been a while. so hopefully i'll have lots to tlak about. i think the last time i wrote here was maybe wednesday so i'll start with thursday and work up till now.thursdat i had soccer like usual. you know, nothing bug. but that day i had gone to the fair. it was sweet and now that i think about this i think ive already written this. hmm. well i'll do thrusday night cuz that was way sweet. i went over to kevins house after school got cleaned up than went to west where we met up with sarah and aaron. we had a really good time. soo many laughs and..more laughs. it was great. that weekend i went with my folks to crane prarie. it was cool. nobody was there and we've got this huge trailer so it wasnt really cmaping. i went fly fishing again. it was really cool just sittin out on th lake just relaxin. it was soo peacefull. i missed my friends tho. im glad, however, that school starts tommorrow. for i will see all those i have not this summer. it should be good. itll be weird tho. cuz im a junior now. high school has gone by sooo fast. i cant beleive it. i have this feeling. its a feelin like a foreshadowing of things to come. and well im sensing girls and new people and all kinds of thing will enter my life. its a real good feeling.although i think this one chick im intersted in isnt intersted in me. which is weird cuz i thought she was. maybe shes just doin some sorta voodoo dating mind trick. i dunno.
Tuesday, September 3, 2002

i went to the fair today. i was supposed to meet a good firend of mine. that didnt happen. turns out she got occupied with her mother in the carny booths. thats alright. because the exact same thing happened to me. except for the mother part. and i found the coolest most awesome belt buckle in the history of the world.it says bad to the bone and thats all you need know. its KICK-A-Ass!!!!yea the fair was awesome. i had a great time. i saw good buds of mine and enjoyed myself much. the petting zoo had to be the bestest part. i got ot pet a wallabe and a duck. it was suh-weet! the fair is the most rad thing. i still have yet to go on the really sweet rides that like fling you into the air feelin 3 G's press against your face. my friend got on it for free which really pisses me off. oh well...my day will come.then later that day bein today after soccer practice i went to west and chilled there for a while before walking with the coolest dudes this side of the rockies to aarons house. where briefly,very quickly, and catiously i peed on and ASS-HOLE's car. cuz this dude is a jerk and needs to get his dick force fed to him by pair of large circus folk with misfigured feet due to a history of incest while having his toes and fingers slowly cut off one by one with a rusty spoon. any punishment of a lesser degree would just be cutting him way too much slack. anywho, today went well. im pretty pumped about goin cmapin this weekend with the "fam". it should be pretty cool. and school starts soon. cant wait for that. man i just sneezed bigtime!
Thursday, August 29, 2002

today was sorta weird. i wasnt feeling real active. soccer went bad i thought.i did horrible but i guess everyone can have a bad day. my stomach also started feeling like crap. not good cuz i already think i missed too many practices.but i had a good pep talk with my mom and got some confidence in myself again. i just need to find a solution when im not at my best. and i need to work the problem.it felt good to have a good talk with my mom.so often do i feel like she says the things she says just because shes my mom. but today i realized that not all kids get the kind of support from their folks that i do. and it really touched me.for once i really felt how proud my parents are of me. and that what i do is really great. and that i am good and should be proud of what i do. i always feel like what i do is nothing special. like i just did what anybody else would. but you know its not. and thats something.so im gonna take what ive got and im gonna do the best that i can with it. like yoda said,"there is no try, only do." i am destined for something great, there is a plan for me out there. and all this is just a test adding up to my destiny. adding up to my future. i can not fail. i will not fail.
Tuesday, August 27, 2002

ive found the one. although i have none others to compare her to. still i beleive shes the one. this fuckin rocks!
Tuesday, August 27, 2002

well as school draws near my anticipation of seeing old friends grows stronger. i can not wait to see all the familiar faces. i can however wait for all the work that will come with it.ive finally admitted to myself and others and attraction i have for a lady. i just need to grow some balls to ask her out. dating has always been a tough arena for me.theres always that awkward silence when you reach that point in the relationship...when you finaly have to hold hands.eek! hahahaha. i gues i just have to find that girl who will inspire to break the bonds of shyness, and i'll for once be able to say those words of affection that i have waited too long to say.perhaps ive found. perhaps shes been hiding right in front of my eyes all along. i suppose time will tell. on another note. kevin told me that eric was looking for a jv guy to bring up to varsity. this gives me hope, and another goal to pursue. things get soo hectic and overwhlem people. and they just somehow allow themselves to be crushed underneath all of it. and make empty promises to themselves that theyll get out of it. that enough for me to try even harder at life to not be like them.its like how can one person lose so much hope in ones self and the world.either things would have to be way super incredibly harder for that one person than for every one else. or that person has a weak heart. i dunno. i think the best way to go is give all you have to give or nothing at all. cuz if not youre just wasting your time and everybody elses.things are looking really really very super good right now.
Monday, August 26, 2002

went school clothes shopping today. got some pretty fancy threads.all the stuff my step dad ordered for me cam also. hes suddenly had this huge urge to buy me all this fly fishing gear. he wants to pass on all his knowledge. which is really cool and im glad he wants to share it with em. but im afraid that i wont be as interested as hes hoping.im hoping we'll have alot of fun.gettin pumped about school.gonna step up to certain fears i had.moving on. growing up.im an explorer discovering new ways of living,new worlds i never knew existed. my very own teenage renaissance.
Friday, August 23, 2002

today was busy. my dad woke me up at about 7 cuz aj was comin over around 8:30. i ended up waking up at about 8:15 with aj knockin at my door. it wouldnt have been so odd if he had just rang the doorbell. its kinda spooky when you suddenly wake up and your half catatonic and youre hearing this funny unfamiliar knocking. the parade went well. i wore my way ultra short shorts. it was chilly for a while but as soon as we got movin it was alright. after the parade we went to registration which was kinda hectic. i got there at 12 and by the time i left it was almost 3. but it was fun seein everybody. some people had changed their appearave for the bettter...the very much better. there were some very attractive ladies there. and i didnt go to soccer practice today cuz i was waaaaaaay tired. it was frightening how tired i was. anywho i dont feel like talkin a bunch tonite.
Thursday, August 22, 2002

well i made the jv soccer team today. i wasnt really bummed and yet i was. cuz i wanted to make varsity but i was sick and couldnt participate. the coach told me what i need to do to make varsity and im gonna work on it. its not so bad theres alot of good guys on jv so it should be fun. i have registration tomorrow. im hopin to see some old friends that i havent seen all summer. ive also got the parade at the fair tomorrow. haha its gonna be good. the shorts will be the best part. hahaha. yea i can really feel things changing. growing up,responsibility, all kinds of new stuff to worry about.not feelin too talkative tonite. just thoughts cluttering my mind tonite i guess. yeah.
Wednesday, August 21, 2002

today went by sorta fast. suprised me kinda.practice sucked cuz my stomach and about 2 minutes ago it felt like i had a huge knot in my intestine and like it was bein squeezed and pulled. it sucked much.yea, so now just about all the hope i had for making varsity has been flushed down the toilet. brendan tried to to make me feel better by sayin that its really anobodys game and that i have intensity like no other which is to my advantage and might land me a spot on varsity. im very doubtful it will. oh well theres always senior year. seems pitiful tho cuz seniors are garunteed a spot on varsity.i guess i should be thankful i'll make any team tho. its just that varsity whould make my day. and id have that varsity letter sewn on my lettermens jacket.a dream come true for me. i think i should be focusing on maybe more realistic goals. like my eagle rank. i only have less than one merit badge left and an eagle project. it shouldnt be too hard. my plan is to have it before i turn 17. so ive got till april.i just hope that i wont neglect it and never get it cuz im sooo close. i would hate myself forever if that happend. i just have to figure out my priorites and how and in what order i will accomplish them. oh i also need sean to come over and beat this level for em on gohst recon. i cant figure the fuckin thing out.i got a hair cut today. i feel im lookin perty swanky. pictures and registration are on thursday so im hopin i'll see a bunch of ppl i know. i havent seen anybody i know this summer.such a bummer.and school starts in a few weeks. and the fair is on thursday too. and the parade im gonna be in is that same day. im very much lookin forward to that. for that day i will be wearing my ultra short shorts. it will be a hoot. very good times.i just hope that wednesday is the last day of daily doubles because i dont want to miss a practice. also have to go school clothes shoppiong. oh and email eric and ask about practice.man oh man busy times these are.dude that was yoda talk just then!SUH-WEET!
Tuesday, August 20, 2002

well today i started soccer tryouts. practice in the morning and then again in the afternoon. this morning went well. i did pretty good, except my stomach felt like i was gonna puke. the afternoon went a lil bad i felt worse and wasnt up to running a bunch. i jogged a few berms and juggled mostly. tomorrow im gonna have to kick it into gear cuz eric(the coach) is gonna know whos on varsity and jv by wednesday or thursday. i think im gonna be put on jv. which isnt so bad. i was on jv last year and the coach is way cool. he keeps pattin me on the back so that might be a sign. i just really want to make varsity. i want to letter really bad. thats like my goal as far as sports go. i need to letter. i hope i make varsity and i hope he knows where everyone will be by wednesday because i was asked to be in a parade at the state fair. me and aj buchele will be leading cuz we boy scouts. itll be sweet, im plannin on wearin my way short shorts. if youve emt me before then you know which shorts itll be. and its gonna rock. its gonna be thursday at about 9 at the fair grounds. if eric doesnt have the teams figured by thursday im worried we'll have practice in the morning which wont work. so im way hopin. it isnt lookin real good tho cuz he wants 3 teams(varsity,jv,jv2) and to have 3 teams we need about 6 ppl or so to tryout. so far we have almost 30. its not lookin good, but my chances for varsity are sorta lookin up. as long as i practice and keep workin hard i might have a chance. its lookin like varsity will be seniors and juniors only. there might be a sophomore or 2 but i dont think so. so im sorta confident. but deep down im also worried that i dont have a chance in hell.i also need to get a hair cut and deposit a check. i dont really have time to do either. i dotn drive so it makes gettin around alot harder.i want to cut my hair before pictures that are on thursday. so ive got a couple of days.i'll have to do it right after mornin practice.hmmm. more stuff to figure out.yea well only 2 more days(i hope) left of daily doubles. im really hope theyll go by fast.this week will be hectic.i think i'll survive.
Monday, August 19, 2002

went to a volcanoes game tonight. it sucked. a whole lotta boring. saw a couple dudes i knew there. mr. ben "pesky" thede and mr. claflin. lovely folks them.hung out with my best bud sean. which mostly means he beat a bunch of games for me and messed with my computer. its real nice seein him. im really glad that even tho we go to different school we still remain best friends. i wish i knew more people that well. i dunno, i think what i comes down to is where you are and who youre with in the long run. as far as friends go. i dunno. i found this folder with a bunch of college stuff in it. spooks me cuz soon im gonna have to figure out what i like.cuz college is just aournd the corner. it boggles my mind that i have to find a school and a topic that i like enought to go to a school thats focused jsut aroudn that topic. its crazy. im also feelin some pressure to do this and that. i donts like that. and at times i honestly dont feel like im gonna graduate. i might just be crazy but yea i really worry about that. i just think that im gonna slack off and its gonna pull me into a hole ill never get out of.i dunno.im just a owrry wort. but theres this chick who makes me forget allt hose worries.even if its just for a moment. its real nice. if only she knew.
Sunday, August 18, 2002

i usualy feel like i dont get a chance to totally share myself with people. only a few people know what one might call "everything" about me.like hobbys i have or what i dont like and what i do like. because not many know alot about me its hard for me to feel like i can trust people. another reason why i dont hang out with people alot. i get self-conscience and think that people will not like me or like im not good enough. i try to imagine what i would do with people and it isnt a very eventful time. because i dont know what people are like and if id have a good time. guess because they didnt make a real effort to get to know me. stinks cuz the people that dont know me i want to get to know. makes it hard to feel like ive got real good friends. and i dont like just being on good terms with people cuz it seems soo fake to me. reminds me of 8th grade at little ol' blanchet because everybody knew everybody and being "cool" was bein an ass pothead and you were only cool cuz you were insanely rich. being none of those i didnt get along with many people. except for the people just like me. guess thats the reason for my lack of confidence in myself.but having this journal thing is nice cuz i doubt many people wont be reading this so i can be as open as i want. its a nice feeling.in light of my not having an audience i think i'll share with nobody a poem i wrote a while ago. it is not titled and here it is: look up at the sky close my eyes forget where i am stand beside the moon in the early morning twilight walking through the constelation running past the horizon livin high in the clouds watchin the stars go by waitin for that perfect day to come when my star will go by there it is.hope you like
Saturday, August 17, 2002

well school is just aorund the corner. im pretty excited only becuase i havent seen anybody over the summer. ive talked to some ppl and they are dreading school, but are looking forward to seeing there buds. itll be weird, this next year. first of all i'll be a big junior, and second alot of my friends will be at west. i dunno i could just be exagerating(which i probably am). i guess im just not good with goodbyes. good byes are why i dread summer. cuz nobody calls me up. guess its sorta my fault tho that i dont see anybody. anywho, i still have to go school clothes shopp9ing and get supplies and what not.ehhhh, shopping. of course i'll end up having to go with ym mom and shell pick everything out that i really hate then the whole day will be spoiled cuz shopping sucks.hint hint if anybody wants to go shopping with me give me a ring. anything just struck my mind...GIRLS! once again they will be in my life. funny thing, girls. make me nervous, make me happy. fun to be with. a mystery as far as i know. i thought i was ok where i was but now, they just make me stop and think. funny.well i figure ive written enough.
Saturday, August 17, 2002

well this is my first entry. not so intersting tho. hopefully i will have others that will be a bit more exciting. im lookin forward to this. now i'll have something to do when no ones talkin to me online.
Wednesday, August 14, 2002
 